I seem to be losing the battle with my bipolar disorder these days. My moods are changing so fast that I can't even keep up with them. One day I'm flying high and loving life. And the next, I want to give up and die.

I literally cry at the drop of a hat. I get insulted and angry over the littlest things. I scream and shout and want to break stuff. I feel like everyone is out to screw my life over when I know it's not true, but I feel paranoid about it anyway. I'm fighting a mild eating disorder. I'm drinking alcohol to help me sleep at night. My thoughts are flying by so fast, in so many different directions, that I can't grab onto any one and ponder it for long. The anxiety is up and so is the OCD.

It's putting a toll on my relationships.

I get so tired of everyday being a new battle. Of the anxiety attacks I get each time I leave the house. Of the way I feel so different from everyone else here and so alienated because of it. I feel like I'm stuck on the crazy channel more often than not. And I don't get to ignore it like my family and boyfriend. I don't get to pretend it's not there. I can't just think "be normal" and have it happen.

Some days are an uphill battle. Some days are hardly a battle at all. A few days here and there, even a week at a time, can look bright. But there's always a set back or two. Each morning I wonder which the day will bring.

I do what I can with meds and therapy and they help. I'd be a hundred times worse right now without it. But it doesn't cure it. And there are times, like tonight, where I sit alone in the dark with a drink in my hand and wish I didn't have this illness.

But I do. I have it. And I talk about it and the fight with it for all the others who suffer from it. You're not the only one who feels completely fucking out of your mind. Trust me, I know the feeling well.

"But if you think you're going mad. Then you must truly be sane. For a maniac never has doubts about his sanity."

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I'd like to turn your attention to a forum post I just put up by my journal. I'm gathering information so I can publish an book of my artwork and I'd like to know what you want in it so please go read the forum post and share.

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-It's pronounced "kaydra-lynn." The "e" in kedra should have an accent over it... The meaning is personal...

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